“MY NAAM HEART”: A Painting by Jordan Denae Macbeth
There’s an ache. There’s always an ache for what’s there and for what’s not there.
Where does it come from? It feels rooted to my core. It feels rooted from another time, another space.
The ache is light and I barely notice it. It’s as if it’s not even there anymore. The ride is smooth. The joys flow easily. Ache? What ache?? I have none.
I understand. The road is clear, the path illuminated. The future’s bright!
Slow it down, Slooow down, WAY DOWN. Time stands still.
Progress is steady. I AM READY.
I don’t want to slow down. I don’t want to stand still.
I’ve been here long enough. I am connected.
Have I though? Am I though??
Conform. CONFORM! It’s easier when you do.
There’s less thinking involved. There’s less problems to solve.
All you have to do is go through the motions.
Like a Zombie, Robotic, addicted to the potions.
NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my soul screams!!!!!!
It’s soft like a whisper, You weren’t meant for conformity. You weren’t meant for traditional.
Step out of the box! Have faith and be free.
Life is waiting. Here it is. It’s here now.
You are there. You are HERE. Here you are.
Yes, YOU ARE.
I finished my second weekend of Teacher Training, Naam Yoga LA . Is it enough? Is it what I want?
I ask myself as the training begins, Can I conform? Do I have to conform to something? This seems like a group of like minded people who have taken on these beliefs. They seem nice enough. They seem happy.
They laugh, mysteriously it seems, as though they all understand some inside joke that I am not privy to just yet.
Are they laughing at how naïve we are? Maybe they’re just really that happy…..could it be?!
Here we go, DEEP in it…IMMERSED in the Fire.
Naam Simron they call it. I feel it. I see it. I get it. I got it.
And it goes, and it goes, and it goes. I feel the ache coming on. I’ve chanted and chanted I LOVE THIS, don’t get me wrong, but….YAWN.
What is that? OH, it’s my heart I feel. It hurts and it swells and it dwells and I’m compelled. I’m frustrated now! Do you want me to bow??
A terror sets in! DO YOU WANT ME TO CONFORM TO THIS NOW?
“I AM SEPARATE!”, MY EGO YELLS! I don’t conform to the group. I never have.
I do like you. I love you. That’s just not my style.
I need to be left alone. I need some space. I want to connect with all of you but my heart, it ACHES.
I need to be alone to think, to come to a certain place. A place inside me that knows IT CAN BE SAFE.
That’s not what you’re asking. You just want me to be free. Free from the ties that bind us. Free from the pain that finds us.
It’s written and written but, AHHH we can re-write it now!
It’s stored in the body, the psyche, it’s Karma embodied.
I see the fear now. I see it so clear.
The ego, it separates, but the heart has no fear.
I can be myself and still part of the tribe. I can believe in something and not get taken for a ride.
I have no trouble relating, It’s just the fear to follow.
I have to stand independently or my heart feels hollow.
I’m humbled by your ease and your acceptance of all. I’m appreciative of every piece of these teachings and the space you hold for us all.
I feel better. I feel my heart taking flight. This energy is GREAT and ABUNDANT by the very last night.
We’re done for now, this time around. 4 more to go! I’ll get through this somehow.
In the end I am better, a part of me has left. There is deep change taking place and now I MUST REST.